Untamed

I finally went dancing on Friday.  I used to go all the time, but haven’t in the last 6 months.  I’m not sure why I haven’t been.  Lack of interest, too tired, work, guilt about going out and leaving my family yet again.  Probably a multitude of things.

But this Friday, I was feeling so low, I knew I had to do something to get myself out of my mood.  I needed to shift that energy.

I spent the day quiet, in a mood where I just didn’t want to engage and crying at the smallest thing.

I’m friends with the beautiful soul who runs the 5rhythms dance class.  The minute she gave me a hug, I burst into tears.  I curled up in a ball on the floor not knowing if I could dance and give it the energy that it needed.  I cried some more and told myself to get on with it.

The music lifted me.  I could literally feel my whole body relaxing and moving how it needed to and my mind changed too.  As you move through the rhythms, you explore so much and different emotions come out with each piece of music.  I danced hard and fast, feeling my anger slip away.  As the music finished, I layed on the floor and cried some more.

One of the last pieces of music had some words in it that kept repeating.  ‘You are good enough’…

I repeated this to myself but it didn’t seem like I could accept it.  Every time I said that in my head, I had another voice pop in ‘no you are not’.  How do we stop these voices popping in?

I also struggle with making sounds.  Letting the inner sounds come out while dancing.  I am jealous of the people who can scream and shout or just exhale loudly.  Even speaking in the group afterwards.  I can’t release those sounds.  Like I have said before in other posts, these sounds stick in my throat.  They sit there, on the edge, even my voice in circle.  But they won’t come out.  I go mute and to the point where I get angry at myself.  I don’t feel any contribution I have to say is valid, any noise I can make is worthwhile hearing.  People will think I am stupid and don’t want to listen to what I have to say anyway as it’s not worth it.  So I stayed silent – as always.  Those sounds are inside me, screaming to get out, but they still sit there.

I will continue to push myself to dance.  5rhythms is healing, dancing is healing, music is healing.  I love it so much, music is inside me and I have known for years that this is my way to calm myself.  I do have a passion for dancing. I guess, over these last few months, with everything else, I lost that passion.  I will force myself to not lose it again.

Dance your dance, heal yourself with music.  Let those sounds out.

Find your passions.