Untamed

I am angry.  A lot.  I have no idea why normally, sometimes I am aware, but mostly, I just feel an incredible anger at everything.  Yet, I don’t feel I have the right too. Nothing in my life is that terrible that I have a right to be angry.  So, I struggle with this emotion.

I try to get that out in what I write, and in some cases, it leaves me feeling better, other times, it leads to tears, which again, turn to anger.

I am fully aware that when anger is used correctly, it can be a push for people to make changes and is an inspiration to do something about their situation,whatever that may be.  I am still finding that hard as I find it doesnt motivate me.  It sits, lingering inside of me and I don’t know how to get it out without causing backlashes in my relationships.  I often feel the situations that bring about my anger are ones that I cannot change easily, such as financial issues, my job, the hecticness of my life and juggling everything. The constant bickering.  These are huge things to change and I am probably scared of a lot of it, which is why I just continue.. In an unhealthy relationship with anger.  My councillor has said that I am scared of change.  This is probably true, but is anger the way to deal with it?  No, of course not.  I am stuck in a cycle and topped with ongoing depression, I cannot see a way out of it.  I am even angry at myself for feeling like this.  I am 42 years old and when you look at my life, I have it pretty fucking good.. So what the fuck is wrong with me?

I even started to try and find inspirational quotes about anger.. And there are many.  I wanted to see if they would help me feel different towards it, to understand it.  A few of them were good, and of course, they all made sense. It’s practising it in real life that is the struggle.

My anger often comes out as just tears, rather than shouting.  I look like an over-emotional person but the tears are frustration and anger at not feeling in control of the situation.  Because of my job, I am always tired (shift work, working 8 nights a month as well as evening shifts).  I am exhausted, constantly. I get overwhelmed when I make plans and am disorganised, and yep, it comes out in anger.  Even the thought of having to rush around and being exhausted from that makes me anxious and so I get angry.

Writing this has helped.  I think I have seen a lot of ways in which I get angry, so I need to learn to manage my anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed and exhaustion.

It’s a long process, but recognising that I have anger issues along with many other emotions is a step.  I will continue to write and explore this and bring further understanding so I can work on myself.  After all, I am the only one who can make that change, no matter how bloody scary it is.