Untamed

At the moment, I am struggling.  Struggling to talk to anyone about how I am feeling.  I am keeping it all hidden and wrapped up inside because to me, that’s safe.

I feel that if I let anything out, those feelings will come alive and I am scared to face how I really feel about a lot of things.

I think we all do this to a certain extent.

I have great friends who I know will listen to me, but I feel such a burden when everyone has their own issues and life problems.

I feel like I can’t explain myself very well and that people will think I am odd to think how I do and I will look stupid if I open up.

But, keeping it all inside eventually gets to us.

I recently went for a job interview and was unsuccessful.  I was gutted but realised it wasn’t so much about not getting the job, it was what it meant for my family.

I carry so much mum guilt.  Being a shift worker I am never home when I need to be. My shift work affects my son’s sleeping habits and I hate that.  I wanted this job to get out of shift work, to have a normal pattern and routine for our daily lives and to be around more for my kids.  The minute I found out I hadn’t got it, I went into quiet mode and just kept that inside.  I feel I sometimes tell people how I feel and it just gets made trivial, when it isn’t to me.

I often feel that people don’t ‘get’ me.  So, it’s easier to push it all down and just keep it to myself.  

I have even struggled with writing lately.  I am forever comparing myself to others online and wishing I had the vocabulary that they have. That my poems were edgy and interesting.  That they really convey how I feel, but I can’t even get that out properly.

I feel stuck in every sense of my life.

Another thing I have noticed about myself is that I have to have plans. Most often, big plans so I am always distracted.  Like I need to push myself to the point of everything being overwhelming because that is easier than dealing with what is going on in my head.

One day, I want to be able to offload.  I’m given the chance, I really am.  I just freeze and the words get stuck in my chest and become a burning ball.  I even tried shouting out loud once when I was walking by myself in the bush.  I said words out loud, but they got quieter until in the end I ended up telling myself that I was bloody stupid (I even said that out loud) and the burning ball lodged tight in my throat.  The only release I had was tears.  I used to cry a lot more about things.  Now I think I have just become numb.

Numb to the point of almost not noticing and not caring.  Not realising I haven’t spoken to someone about how I am feeling until they point it out.

I am not sure how to get past this?  How do I end up feeling safe to allow those words to spill out?  And who do I actually feel safest with?

It’s a constant battle which I will continue to work on.

Let me feel safe.  Let me go quiet.  Let me feel safe inside my own head first.